In Remembrance of Joshua Shane

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

A wise man once said, "The mark of true Christianity is not 'I'm perfect' but 'I fight."  My brother died from a prescription overdose almost 11 years ago and sometimes it still seems like it can't be real.  He was my best friend.  I still wish I could pick up the phone to call him so we could hang out, but I can't.  I have comfort, though, in that God has blessed me by giving me his poems, a way to see his heart, feel close to him, and have the hope of seeing him again someday in a place where there will be no more sin and death.  My brother's poems reflect his struggle against drugs & depression.  They show that even though he wasn't perfect, he fought. 

FALLEN FROM MYSELF FOR DEVOTION

Well, I got out of bed, stood to my feet

So I could drop to my knees,

Asked for a dose of devotion and humbleness to seize me.

Well, I got back to my apartment 'round noon time

Fell back on my knees, elbows hit the couch cushion

Just to ask him “please.”

Oh, God, Oh my God, help me please.

I need some will power to treat my disease.

Well, I made it through the day now,

But night crawls on me like fleas.

I pray comfortably,

'Cause I'm not like the monks in the trees.

Oh, devotion has flooded me

But I can still swim in the deepest of oceans

'Cause I'm with Him.

 

SECOND CHANCE

Powerful as love will let you be,

Beautiful as your eyes will let you see,

Humble your ego, let fate be.

You're just a person who needs God-almighty.

Some folks are scared to take a second glance.

Some folks don't understand about a second chance.

ON OR OFF THE TRAIN

He's right, pure, and true.

Our Lord Jesus died for me and you.

Two choices: hop on or off the train.

Search all over the world... it'll all be in vain.

Go ahead and take your time.

I did and nearly lost my mind.

Well today, my friend, you can decide,

On or off the train... on that cross for you He died.

ONE WAY

Jesus the Fate-Ruler

Buzzed as you think you are, leave the drugs behind.

You don't have to push rewind.

Rehab didn't save me from fire-waters grip,

Out of control and I slip.

Only one way and it's washing my soul with Christ

'Cause His blood paid the ultimate price.

 

WHY?

The pain I feel is nothing, but it hurts the ones who love me.

I wish I knew why I do these things that continually disgust me.

Mom, Dad, Sister, and Bro, they do everything they know.

It hurts worse than cuts to see their tears,

My future crumbles 'cause I run from my fears.

Praying for Jesus for me to be sane

Praying for the chance to use my brain.

I can't apologize enough because they're all empty,

All I can do is have them kneel and pray with me.

PUDDLE 

Linger on dawn, just stay where you are,

Everything's perfect and the sun's not far.

Linger on dawn, the owls begin their hunt,

I hear a pack of javelinas starting to grunt.

Sing a song wind, and drift away the pain.
Bring a mist of consciousness to ease my weary brain.

My heart begins to beat like a tribal drum,

It's all I can feel right now, waiting for what's begun.

No more deep thoughts for me, I just can't waste the time.

I'd rather sit and execute another wandering rhyme.

Uneasy thunder, white lightning plunder, and animals get their drink.

Embracing is the mud I lay in and the rain is all I think.

Complacent and comfortable in a puddle in my car,

Complacent and comfortable in a puddle in my car.

Everything's perfect and the sun's not far.

Linger on dawn, just stay where you are.

FOLLOWER OF MAN?

OR PLANTER OF SEEDS?

Being called a follower of man hurts when it's true.

But now I know what I've gotta do.

We can all fall into a well of despair

But I know of a ladder that's forever there.

Cleaning my backyard, rooting up all the weeds,

Taking out a couple good books that help plant seeds

Not in the soil but in the depths of my soul.

One row left untilled can be the end of my garden.

To sow is my treasure and parasites are pardoned.

Come on now, don't you know? You reap what you sow.

It's gonna take a little pain for you to grow.

PRAYER MAIL

It's hard to breathe a sigh of relief

When drovers of memories are bringing me grief.

But just for this moment I will set them sail,

Bringing it to God via prayer mail.

I've been neglecting Him lately

when I should be on my knees.

He's my great Creator, curer of disease.

Around me all the time, His love will never cease.

Some people chase Him all their life

But they never look to their heart in their strife.

He's not some statue, not a tangible idol.

He is King of Kings, even more than that righteous title.

He's more than legend, not just a thought.

He's not just a cross around your neck your mother bought.

The Lord is my savior, that's all I know of Him now

For if it wasn't for Jesus I would be lost somehow.

God loves us all, even those who ignore Him.

My God is a race-less one--

I believe He sees a 'lil bit of all of us in His eternal son.

My God,

My God is beyond worth.

EVER WONDER

Ever wonder why things don't go your way?

I have and came up with a conclusion today.

Sometimes you gotta pray for what you need.

Sometimes you have to wait for favor to proceed.

The Man upstairs who really cares will listen to the first cry,

It may take awhile but never fear, for Jesus will reply.

Nailed on the cross so we could live,

God gave us His son, the most precious thing to give.

Two roads to be traveled, but at one end lies

A most beautiful God we cannot deny.

For more of my brother's poetry, click here.

 

Believed

When I was 7, I believed in my parents. They knew everything there was to know and I thought they were perfect. I kissed and hugged them every night when they tucked me in with my musical lamb.

When I was 9, I believed in fairies. I looked for them in the woods under moss and around streams. My brother and I climbed trees and made forts out of planks and torn sheets. We cried when the storms came and blew down our castles.

When I was 12, I believed in my imagination. I read a book in my room from morning til night. My best friends were Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield and I wished that I went to Sweet Valley High. I wrote stories about the fairies I once believed in and about girls who were nerds but became super models.

When I was 15, I believed in magic. I put love spells on my crush with feathers and candles and stole grass from his yard to carry around in my pocket each day for a year. I sewed butterflies all over my bell bottoms and dressed up to go to basketball games just for the dance afterward, but the spells only worked on all the wrong people.

When I was 17, I believed in myself. I thought I could do anything and joined the Air Force to "see the world." My brother told me he couldn't wait for me to leave. I told him he would be sorry when I was gone. I read "Gone With the Wind" and wished I lived in another time. I fell in love with a new boy every few weeks as I searched for the prince who lived in my mind.

When I was 18, I believed in beauty. I thought I loved my new life as I spent hours each evening in front of the mirror just to impress the guys I'd meet at Club Gotham or at John's weekly Friday night party. The next morning I'd wake with a headache to wonder, as I hugged the toilet, "Is this all there is to life?" The nights I didn't party, I leaned over the balcony outside my room, searching the stars for an answer, praying to a god I didn't know.

When I was 19, I believed in Jesus. Old things in my life passed away and all became new as I prayed for my brother, wrote about God, and felt peace in my future. I began to live for someone other than myself and found out that Christianity was the farthest thing from boring, after all.

Searching the world for something to believe in finally ended when I found my true Prince. That emptiness was never in my heart again, and the person of the past seems someone from a dream.

Passion, Joy, & Wisdom, & Why it's a Good Thing to Be a Little on the Selfish Side

My favorite people inspire me because they are selfless.  I'm reading "Atlas Shrugged" at the moment and was shocked to discover that Ayn Rand also inspires me in certain ways for different reasons.  Gasp! Inspired by an atheist, Celena!?  Yes, well, even an atheist can have a brilliant mind and can achieve great things in the eyes of the world.  She was an amazing writer who overcame great odds, she weaves a captivating story (too captivating, perhaps) and she paints a picture of humanity and the world that can't simply be brushed over. Atlas Shrugged makes me think more than I have since I graduated from NAU with a minor in Anthropology 3 years ago.  Minoring in Anthropology and being bombarded with relative truth and Darwinian evolution taught by the most amazing professor this side of the Universe will make a Christian think a great deal, I assure you.  But I've missed being so challenged.  I've missed having to actually think about things.

One thing I've begun to ponder is how selfishness invades everything I do and realizing that it's alright to be that way.  Maybe that doesn't sound like anything a Christian should consider, but bear with me!  Ayn Rand advocated nothing short of selfishness.  I began to think things like, "Maybe the only reason I really make my husband coffee in the morning is for what I'll get out of it."  Truly, it is a part of the reason. But that reason and my doing anything good is all wrapped around the reality that I love God and try my best to live for Him.  Think about why you do anything good.  You do it because of the feeling of gratification it gives you, or because of pride and the way people will see you, or because of what you'll get out of it, and, hopefully, because God wants you to.  Most of those things are selfish but the last thing wraps it all together and makes it good.  Ayn Rand leaves out that last part and so her ideal, "perfect" characters fall short of anything close to perfection because of it.

According to her, "rational self-interest (i.e. selfishness) is every individual's highest moral obligation."  My favorite Christian apologist, John Piper, said what sounds on the surface like the same thing: "some dimension of joy is a moral duty in all virtuous acts."  Joy is for ourselves, is it not?   Both John Piper and Ayn Rand believed that pursuing joy is selfish.  Rand wrote about 2 of her characters, "They were both incapable of the conception that joy is sin."  Truly, what rational person would want to be a Christian if joy is sin?!  Perhaps seeking joy is selfish, but joy in itself is not sin.

That idea that all joy is sin is totally anti-god, which any average person will discover if they read His Word.  According to the bible, God gives us "all things richly to enjoy."  When we "delight in Him, He gives us the desires of our hearts."  Mr. Piper said, "Pursuing maximum joy is essential to glorifying God.  All-surpassing, soul-satisfying treasure.  People actually don't seek pleasure with nearly the resolve and passion they should."

The greatest pleasure anyone can have is in living for God every day of their lives.  I'm not saying that I never question or doubt Him.  I'm not saying that I read my bible from dawn to dusk.  I'm not saying that I'm even close to perfect.  I know who I am and so does God, and I am not quite as "good" as I may seem on the outside; no one is.  But God made me a person who would want to seek joy and who wouldn't give up until she found it.  He made me someone who would long for passion and richness in life because He is the author of real passion and real richness.  He made me that way so that I would want to love Him and want to know Him.

Ayn Rand obviously sought passion and joy, too, but I pity her because she didn't realize that God is the author of the greatest pleasures and the greatest passions, and the author of complete wisdom.  I haven't touched on wisdom much but I want to be wise as much as I want the other things.  When King Solomon asked, God blessed him with the greatest wisdom any man ever had before or since.  As amazing as Ayn Rand was, as much wisdom as she had in certain things, as much as I like this book, it falls so short of what it could have been had she acknowledged the One who bestowed so lavishly a gift upon her.  Complete wisdom can only be found in God; no matter how brilliant a mind may be, there are certain things a person will never understand without the wisdom that only comes from asking the One who created our minds in the first place.

Knowledge of God without knowledge of man's wretchedness leads to pride.  Knowledge of man's wretchedness without knowledge of God leads to despair.  Knowledge of Jesus Christ is the middle course, because by it we discover both God and our wretched state. ~Blaise Pascal, 17th c. Scientist

As for you, dear reader, may God show you all passion, joy, wisdom, and truth; and may you understand the height, and depth, and width of His love for you! I'm just barely skimming the surface of something that's pretty deep. I hope you'll investigate it for yourself by getting to know Him better.

Thor, Cap, Wolverine, & This Girl's Eternal Perspective

I'm quite smitten with Cap (Captain America, I mean) & Thor, too… oh, and Wolverine!  Maybe you don't stay up late and read comic books in bed, but I challenge any girl to watch Thor, Captain America, or X-men and not fall for the hero during the next 2 hours and 17 minutes.

The end of the Thor movie was especially poignant for me when our dashing, charming, extremely heroic superhero gave his leading lady Jane a quite romantic kiss. There was the perfect bit of romance the movie needed to end with.  Then Thor was lifted up into the sky and a cloud received him out of Jane's sight.  Jane stood there looking at the sky, and I sat there looking at the TV feeling bittersweet and wondering, "How in the world's she ever going to marry anyone now that she's been loved by a super hero?!"

So these Cap-Thor-Wolverine thoughts have been rushing around in my mind for a month or so, along with thoughts of Jesus and God's word and wishing I were a superhero and wanting to put an eternal spin on it all.  A wise man once said, "All heroes are shadows of Christ."*

Here I am, fascinated by the stories of these incredibly awesome super heroes who really are just shadows of Christ.  They're cool, sure, and they have really interesting stories, sure, and they're likeable and attractive… but Jesus is infinitely more amazing than all of them put together.  I'm doing my best to write about super heroes & Jesus all in one breath without sounding cheesy, but honestly, look at all these super powers He has:

Like Storm, He has power over nature. (Matt 8:23)

Like Nightcrawler, He can teleport. (Acts 1:9; Luke 24:31)

Like Wolverine, He's got an immortal, incorruptible body. (Luke 24:39-43)

Like Mystique, He can disguise Himself. (Luke 24:16-31)

Like Thor, He can fly into the Heavens.  (Acts 1:9)

Like Professor X, He can read minds.

Plus, He knows the future, He can heal the sick and raise the dead, He walked on water, turned water to wine, multiplied a little bit of bread into a lot, withered a fig tree with just a glance, and the list goes on.

After Jesus rose from the dead, He was no longer bound by the laws of matter and time.  And it doesn't stop there.  Paul wrote to the church at Corinth:

"There are also heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is one, and the glory of the earthly is another.  There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory.  So also is the resurrection of the dead.  It is sown a perishable body, it is raised an imperishable body; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory… In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.  For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality." (1 Cor 15:40-43; 52-53)

And so, we're going to live in eternity with an immortal, imperishable body just like Jesus.  Hm… does that sound like a super hero to you?  Maybe it's just my own girlish, vain ambition but being a super hero someday gives me just another thing to look forward to.  I think it's pretty awesome that I'm going to spend all eternity not only with the only One truly worthy of my awe but with a bunch of other super heroes who aren't bound by time or matter--who can walk through doors without opening them,  live forever, never get old, swim without holding their breath, fly, teleport, and do all kinds of other things I'm sure neither Marvel nor DC has even begun to dream up yet.  Comic book super heroes are awesome… but I think they only just scratch the surface.  They're just shadows of Christ.


*John Piper, Don't Waste Your Life, 35.

The Way Things Ought to Be

I'm not a poet but every once in awhile when God inspires him, my husband is.  This poem touched my heart!  I hope you enjoy it.

In this world which we live
there's a sense of what ought,
an intangible feeling,
a perception, a thought

of the way things once were
or someday will be.
If only we could
through the darkened glass see;

the pane has been clouded
by the sin in our hearts,
from the lust and vain pride
that has torn us apart

from the Father above
by whom we were created
but we spurned His great love
and became separated.

What then must be done
for the ache deep inside
for the longing of home
where our dreams do abide?

Take heart, precious one,
turn the pages and look
at the Father & Son,
at the Author & Book

All began with a word:
"One day!" He would write,
"I will give to them vision
and restore them to sight."

Then the dark glass will clear
day by day, by and by
revelation and truth
will displace the great why.

The light dwelt among us
and is here to behold
if we will comprehend
and believe what we're told;

all shadows of Christ
were the things of past ages,
the substance is Jesus
thread throughout all the pages.


*Inspired by Pastor Fred Rubi's Christmas sermon a few years ago, and the many truths about time and the faith by which we occupy it, found in God's word.

"Faith is meant to occupy time." -Pastor Fred Rubi
"God is not bound by time." -Dave Fish

Habakkuk 2:3
Col 2:17
2 Cor 5
1 Cor 15
John 1

The Mayflower and the Speedwell

I'm not a poet but every once in awhile when God inspires him, my husband is.  This poem touched my heart!  I hope you enjoy it.

The Mayflower & The Speedwell at Dartmouth Harbor

Two ships were commissioned,

precious cargo to bear,

the seeds of a nation,

God's hand would prepare,

These ships you may know,

called Speedwell and Mayflower,

on them pilgrims and strangers,

set forth the same hour,

a moral herein,

may be found if you wonder,

at the names of these ships,

take a minute and ponder...

one ship returned back,

to old Plymouth you see,

for leaks in it's vessel,

meant it was not to be,

but the other pressed on,

fought through sickness and gale,

the souls below deck,

tossed and turned and grew pale,

yet faith replaced fear,

and New Plymouth drew near.

If you're asking what lesson,

can I glean from this tale?

well I'll tell you this moment,

yes I will without fail,

One ship bears a name,

Speedwell, one would think,

would get you there quickly,

strait shot, in a blink;

But if in this life,

we'd brave the dark grief,

God's lovely May flowers,

give His pilgrims relief,

in them we can glimpse,

dim light though it be,

a brand new Creation,

where we will be free,

One day we will land,

after much weary sailing,

He'll take us in hand,

not a word of our failing.

We'll see of Him then,

as He sees us now,

"Well done", He'll proclaim,

as we wonder how,

we made it across,

such a forbidding sea,

T'was the blood of the Cross,

made it possible for thee.

More of my Brother's Poetry

DESERT

I step out the door and into the sky

Heading for Arizona where I'll probably die

Another fork in the road,

Another tattoo on my soul.

The sun grows brighter with each step to the west

Desert is glorious and mountains a success

Beauty surrounds me with her peaceful mountains

And through this desert there are plenty of fountains

The freedom of the desert's warmth

And the vision that I walk towards

Breeze on the naked trees, whisper to me

'Cause nature's its own reward in a desert sea.

STORM

Reclining on a bed with a pen in my hand

I hear the thunder beat.

I'm listening to nature's percussion band.

I hear the ocean falling around me,

But I'm under a roof with conditioned air

On a dry mattress with pillows to spare.

This is God bringing back to the tree,

This is God providing for me,

This is God ever forgiving me.

SISTER (that's me)

Bless my sister, the gal who shared her soul

Sacred is the loving embracement no one can owe

From Christmas mornings to slumber parties

to mischievous stories of school sneak-ins before tardies

Viewing your art in astonishment

like a message to me, creativity's sent.

My deserving hero,

I feel the love of her grace and courage to my apprenticeship.

Seeing your tears draws in fears

because of the burn, scare, and sears

I'm a lucky man with God's love sent

With the love of the Lord I must repent.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH

Life's not all about Chinese food and kickin' back.

Used to think it was 'til I ran into reality slack

Slip into another portrait of how things should be

Break the mold of economy souls fishing liberally

Shake the views of the cement personality

Destiny is not for the frozen ones

You gotta decide to make yourself a chosen one

So go ahead and do the math

You can't wait for others to choose your path.

BRAND NEW START

A fool without a prayer and he's all out of breath

He tried to put his hands together but was twitching bad from meth

The sun shined down beside him and leaned on his neck

He looked up to be blinded but only for a sec

Breathing in and out deeply, he confessed with his tongue

20-something years old and he felt so young

Lifted is the burden that drenched his heart

Ready now for a new way, a brand new start.

QUESTIONS

Sometimes I write a line and then scratch it out

Sometimes I begin to debate then start to pout

I continuously question my consistency

Wonder who or what I really wanna be

It's even hard to look in the mirror

'Cause the image behind my eyelids looks clearer

Can I come to terms with my external temple,

Or is it my soul I hold lamental?

I CAN

I can feel myself get lower

I can feel the pain in the power

I can see the lights in the mirror

I can see the hands on the hour.

FIRST STEP

First step, swallow my pride.

Second step, just take the ride.

Third step, stop shruggin' my shoulders.

Fourth step, realize that I'm older.

Many more steps, too many to mention.

Can't gain it all in a single session.

But I should always try to hold my head high.

Gotta know it's okay for my soul to cry.

I'm a man looking for his place in this world,

Crawling out of the smoke that left my mind swirled.

DIVORCE

A tear drop hits the page

A wrinkle hits my age

A twinkle burns in the skies

An indescribable warmth dies

As the love unties.

OVERRATED

Thinking about all the times I moan...

It makes me sick.

'Cause I'm not abandoned and alone

Love and family's thick.

We can be so ungrateful,
Taking luxuries for granted.

So when you can't afford the new fad

remember food's in your belly, ain't got it too bad.

I'm not starving and I got love,

family, friends, and God above.

Tangibles and throw-aways are overrated

It's all smoke from a green flame, quickly dissipated.
 

HIGH IN A DREAM

Getting my high in a dream,

waking up to a grace gleam.

Thanking God smoke was only in my sub-conscience

like the lost soul who has hope in his responses.

Scared as hell as I feel my soaking back.

It was just a fantasy. Now I come back.

Like a looking glass of my past,

it's not in the urinary tract, at last.

Smelling, feeling, dealing,

Then I fall from the ceiling.

What a forgiving crash--

Waking up with no stash.

EXECUTION OF INSTINCT

The time has come for me to change

Flip my life and rearrange

Give my soul to Someone else

And let God's angels ring their bells

All I need is an American dream

No picket fence 'cause that's not what I mean

Paying taxes to old folk

Collecting possessions instead of being broke

Adopt a dog and name it something true

Raise that pup and do what I gotta do

Keep a routine, sleep, work, and play

Wake up again to do it the next day.

Somehow I can't believe this is coming from my heart

but I know it is true 'cause my pen begins where the beat starts.

THE RING MASTER

For years, the freaks shed their tears

While their master sits and waits.

The show's all over and who gets the cheers?
The ring master and his two dates.

The deformed grow old and fed up faster

and the strong man bends the bars.
The rebels tie up the ring master,

all laugh near and far.

He was the caster

of their humiliation

They sought peace by sitting him in their situation,

But it brought no consolation.

GOLD

Money is success

or so it is told.

People, they always be chasing that gold.

Catch it, want more, and they're sold.

ALICE

When danger isn't adventure,

then I don't know what story you are in.

When adventures get stranger,

You need not match the Cheshire's grin.

The touch of the glass

felt like the thickness of mist.

The entrance through which she passed,

the terror of bliss.

More than what she used to be,

But lesser, too, at times.

Taking the distortion and awkward things she sees,

As natural as, in a windless sky, the singing of blown chimes.

 

HARVESTING A DREAM

I'm not sick of think'n 'bout destinations,

but I want to be there.

I'm waiting for the occasion.

I'm gonna get there.

Tomorrow is today before you know,

I will someday reap what I sow.

Things will be the same and different. I know.

Yeah, jah know I'll be harvesting a dream.

Yes, I know I'll be harvesting my dream.

AWAKENED

Seems like whenever the time comes to test myself

I always seem to fail.

Living hour for hour, leaving my soul on the shelf,

but who's gonna post my bail?

Chasing a tangible dream that wasn't on any map,

floating on a raft with no sail.

Ocean and sand on just another beach,

All along I'm like a puppet on a string,

grasping for something I can't reach.

But now it's gotta give, cause I'm tired of taking.

It's time to live, now that my soul's awakened.

NOW

They say you should stay

on this afternoon

But I just want to play

Music's infinite tune

It's easy, the song today

'Cause “now” is what I'm gonna play

Can't let today take away from tomorrow

Don't want to let happiness sour to sorrow.

ALL YOU NEED

I never had such an urge to sing as I do today.

I never had such a rush in my ring as I do today.

Thinkin' 'bout how it came from a sprout

It got watered by a heavenly spout

Seeds unfertilized can still shout

Raw material is all you need

Remember this when you plant the seed

It takes more than supplies to succeed

Just remember “love is all you need.”

TRYING

Trying to help myself when all it does is hurt

Trying to redeem myself when they think I'm dirt

Always under someone's watchful eye

Hiding away so they don't throw tissues when I cry

I like the tears to just fall down my face

Drop after drop, like a destiny race

Things so simple are just tearing me limb from limb

I don't think I'll ever have a chance to win

On the other hand, I'll just fight expectation's odds

And just pass on the side of the man who sits by and nods.

My destiny is between my fate and my God's.

WAR

I'm at war with my own temple

Some say it's cause I'm a little mental

My body is scarred but my heart is pure

Sick of this and ready to move on

Today is another opportunistic dawn

Diving drops of rain come here to saturate me

Been scorched in a desert,

Now I'm swimming in a sea.

Invisible clouds seem to shade my skin.

How did it all begin?

WHAT I WANNA BE

I'm sick of writing 'bout despair

all this negative and how I don't care.

But deep inside, I really do want something better.

Living the dream, receiving a golden letter.

A dog and I woman and I would feel like a king.

Don't need a platinum or a lexus for my soul to bling-bling.

I wanna feel happy about the things I do

I wanna be a man that lives true.

PICTURE OF CONFUSION

A picture of confusion is me.

Scared of the unknown and what I'm to be.

All I want is an American Dream

But somehow I feel that's not what it seems.

Alone again like that guy from Kung-fu

Gonna head on a journey I don't know I can do.

CONTROLLED

I was buzzin' one day and I started coughing

I noticed I wanted (“needed”) another nail in the coffin

I don't like this feeling of being controlled

Money towards paper and tobacco, all packaged and rolled

It never makes me feel great, just satisfied

Might as well end it before I've died

Too many times my exception borrowed,

All burnt away, conscience led to sorrow.

Check my heart's inventory, yeah I know it's not empty..

'Cause love is glory and compassion is sympathy.

Life my voice to a full extent

It's never too later for a devil to repent.

HOUSE ON A HILL

I'll pass on another status symbol

'Cause I don't want a house on a hill

Refreshing is life if you keep it simple

So I don't want a house on a hill

I won't crave a jealous intention

You can keep your house on a hill

I don't seek a social intervention

You can have your house on a hill.

ANGER

Anger can get out of control

For advice, feel inside of your soul

Breathe in, breathe out,

Ignore the demons who shout.

Don't end the pointless encounter in violence,

Pull out two fingers, walk away in peaceful silence.

A fist for a fist...

Whatever happened to “a kiss for a kiss”?

HARVESTING A DREAM

I'm not sick of think'n 'bout destinations,

but I want to be there.

I'm waiting for the occasion.

I'm gonna get there.

Tomorrow is today before you know,

I will someday reap what I sow.

Things will be the same and different. I know.

Yeah, jah know I'll be harvesting a dream.

Yes, I know I'll be harvesting my dream.

AWAKENED

Seems like whenever the time comes to test myself

I always seem to fail.

Living hour for hour, leaving my soul on the shelf,

but who's gonna post my bail?

Chasing a tangible dream that wasn't on any map,

floating on a raft with no sail.

Ocean and sand on just another beach,

All along I'm like a puppet on a string,

grasping for something I can't reach.

But now it's gotta give, cause I'm tired of taking.

It's time to live, now that my soul's awakened.

SONG

As silence breaks the day of my heart

I listen for the music begin to start.

I love hearing and feeling the power of His song.

It's a pounding weapon of love given by our Creator.

It always seems to stump the anti-peace propigator.

I can't dance to the ill-rythmed beat of gunfire

'cause glory mixed with blood is one thing I'll never desire.

HACKY SACK

Skyward it flies,

The momentum—will it die?

More amazing with each play,

It's over—on the ground it lays.

Flashbacks of the event immediately occur and soon decay.

Nothin' like hack'n on a sunny day.