I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret...
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
Psalm 139:14a,15a,16
Seven months after I became a Christian, my fiancé left for the Middle East on a military temporary duty assignment for four months. I was very active in church and bible study, I loved Jesus, I was twenty years old, I enjoyed my job in the Air Force, and I felt so fulfilled in my new life as a redeemed woman of God. My life felt complete and beautiful.
But it's not easy to be a pretty girl living in an Air Force dorm. Please understand, I'm not making excuses for what I'm about to tell you. I'm only trying to give you a picture of what it's like and why I'd never recommend any Christian girl join the active duty military without much very thought-out prayer. It's almost too hard to "be good" when you're living in a building with numerous guys you've known for years who are just a door-knock away, and who would do just about anything for you because they think you're pretty.
Still, in the middle of all that, I know I could've made the right choices because God's word says "No temptation has overtaken you but that which is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." (1 Cor 10:12-13)
My problem was the verse right before that: "Therefore let [she] who thinks [she] stands take heed that [she] does not fall."
I was a goody 2-shoes girl after I gave my heart to Jesus. In my proud, self-righteousness, I touted among other things, "I would never get an abortion."
No, I did not get what most people would consider an abortion. But I did something else that gave me an understanding for women who do that very thing & it began to show me what I was capable of and how much I'd always need God's grace and power.
Let me go back a little bit. I love Art--painting, drawing, art appreciation. In September 1999, when my fiance was sent to Kuwait, I was enrolled in 2 art classes at Pima's west campus. Back then, I hadn't decided that I'd rather be a writer than an artist.
I needed a ride to class once my fiance was gone.
And then there was John.
John had been my friend for about 2 years. I'd never been attracted to him. He was just a friend. And this time that wasn't a cliche--it was true. When he offered to give me rides, it seemed safe. And when he said, "Hey, let's hang out and watch a movie" or "Hey, let's go up to A-mountain" it seemed fun and harmless. I missed male-companionship and John was fun to be around.
Well, when you spend a lot of time with a person, someone who once didn't even seem remotely attractive can slowly become incredibly, exceedingly attractive! If you get nothing else from this story, please at least get that! He told me sweet things I liked to hear, he was always so happy to do things for me, and he was a joy to be around.
Before I knew it, I was head over heels for John and I was making out with him all the time. Even on Sundays before church. Even on Wednesdays after I went and sang to Jesus and lifted my hands in the air. Every night when I was back in my room, I'd tell myself I wouldn't go see him again. I cried. I prayed. I cared about him. I wanted him to be saved. What was I going to tell my fiance? What was I doing? I was living out a verse in Romans when Paul the Apostle cried out about that struggle we all have sometimes:
For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want... I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Romans 7:19, 22-24
My mom had always pounded this into my head and I lived it in my own little way: " Don't have sex before you get married!" And so I had a big pride issue about being a "virgin." I was what they call a "technical" virgin before I got married. Of course I would never have an abortion! I wasn't going to have sex until I got married!
One day, John and I fooled around a little too much. We didn't go "all the way" technically but "just to be on the safe side" he took me to the base hospital so I could get a morning after pill.
The doctor I saw assured me that any layers of clothes (in this case being only my underwear) are good protection and the chance that I could be pregnant was slim to none. But to give me peace of mind, he'd prescribe me a morning after pill.
Maybe peace of mind for John, but it wouldn't be peace of mind for me for the next 10 years of my life.
I remember walking back to my dorm room that day holding John's hand. That was the last time I touched him. Stuff changes after something like that. He was adamant that I take that pill. He said he loved me but obviously he didn't want a baby with me, that was for sure. And, anyway, I was supposed to marry someone else. Suddenly, I understood why a girl, even why a girl with strong morals, might be tempted to have an abortion. I didn't want to be pregnant. I should not have fooled around. But lust is strong and I deceived myself into believing I could be close friends with a man who was not a Christian without any risk. I had made so many wrong choices that I was definitely not "walking in the Spirit" and I was totally, incredibly, very weak.
I was so weak that I sat on my bed, filled up a glass of water, and took those pills. I hardly remember everything I was thinking. I'm sure I was praying, asking God to forgive me, praying that I wasn't pregnant even as I took them. I actually had to take 7 pills. Back then, they gave you 7 pills instead of just one morning after pill. So with each pill, I was making the choice more solid.
Soon after that, I told my fiance about my relationship with John. I didn't tell him how close we came to "it" and I didn't tell him about the morning after pills. I broke it off with John and moved out of the dorms which made it easier to make right choices. I got closer to Jesus, started an incredibly awesome prayer meeting with my friends, married my fiancé who has now been my husband for thirteen years, and grew closer to God. I buried the morning after pill incident in the back of my mind.
And then my husband and I began to start our family and I discovered I was perhaps the most fertile person on the planet. The first month we tried to get pregnant, we got pregnant with twins, and as soon as I stopped nursing them (when they were 3 months old), I got pregnant again! Too soon, I thought. And as soon as I weaned my next baby, I got pregnant with our fourth and last child that very month.
The knowledge that I was so fertile made me think of what happened with John. Since I'm not writing a worldly romance novel, I'm trying to be evasive and still give you the drift. Suffice it to say that while I convinced myself I was "technically" a virgin, there were one very thin piece of material, and there was a minute possibility I could've been pregnant. Realizing I was a girl who so easily becomes pregnant, I couldn't help wondering... What if I killed a baby? What if I killed two babies? A touchy subject. A scary thought. Only God knows and I won't know until I get to Heaven. But I made the choice to destroy a fertilized egg if there was one which, by the bible's definition, God views as a human He "knit together" and "knew" when he/she was "made in secret."
The choice and my heart were the same whether anything happened or not. God promised a way out. I did not have to take those pills. I could have just trusted God that I was not pregnant. I could have trusted Him no matter what, but it is very hard to trust Him when you make such a huge, shameful mistake that you know beyond a doubt was outside of His will.
It ate at me and God spoke to my heart to confess it to my husband. My husband encouraged me and showed me the same grace he'd shown me so many times before. He prayed with me, and my burden was lifted. That was years ago... I'm not sure how long.
I'm free from condemnation for that terrible decision, and anyone else who's done anything similar or had an actual abortion can be, too. Perhaps you make light of this and don't think the decision was so terrible. But whether it's in the form of a pill or something that seems more lethal, abortion is abortion. The truth needs to be told, and I'm not afraid to tell it. And, more than that, I am so thankful that God is so amazingly, abundantly, more gracious, more forgiving and wonderful than any of us deserve. His word is true:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I am complete in Christ, and I am forever free from condemnation. (Phil 4:13, Col 2:10, Rom 8:1-2)
If you've made a mistake like the one I've made, you don't have to live in condemnation. Jesus promised to forgive us when we ask, and that we can also forgive ourselves.
*Names have been changed.
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret...
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
Psalm 139:14a,15a,16
Seven months after I became a Christian, my fiancé left for the Middle East on a military temporary duty assignment for four months. I was very active in church and bible study, I loved Jesus, I was twenty years old, I enjoyed my job in the Air Force, and I felt so fulfilled in my new life as a redeemed woman of God. My life felt complete and beautiful.
But it's not easy to be a pretty girl living in an Air Force dorm. Please understand, I'm not making excuses for what I'm about to tell you. I'm only trying to give you a picture of what it's like and why I'd never recommend any Christian girl join the active duty military without much very thought-out prayer. It's almost too hard to "be good" when you're living in a building with numerous guys you've known for years who are just a door-knock away, and who would do just about anything for you because they think you're pretty.
Still, in the middle of all that, I know I could've made the right choices because God's word says "No temptation has overtaken you but that which is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." (1 Cor 10:12-13)
My problem was the verse right before that: "Therefore let [she] who thinks [she] stands take heed that [she] does not fall."
I was a goody 2-shoes girl after I gave my heart to Jesus. In my proud, self-righteousness, I touted among other things, "I would never get an abortion."
No, I did not get what most people would consider an abortion. But I did something else that gave me an understanding for women who do that very thing & it began to show me what I was capable of and how much I'd always need God's grace and power.
Let me go back a little bit. I love Art--painting, drawing, art appreciation. In September 1999, when my fiance was sent to Kuwait, I was enrolled in 2 art classes at Pima's west campus. Back then, I hadn't decided that I'd rather be a writer than an artist.
I needed a ride to class once my fiance was gone.
And then there was John.
John had been my friend for about 2 years. I'd never been attracted to him. He was just a friend. And this time that wasn't a cliche--it was true. When he offered to give me rides, it seemed safe. And when he said, "Hey, let's hang out and watch a movie" or "Hey, let's go up to A-mountain" it seemed fun and harmless. I missed male-companionship and John was fun to be around.
Well, when you spend a lot of time with a person, someone who once didn't even seem remotely attractive can slowly become incredibly, exceedingly attractive! If you get nothing else from this story, please at least get that! He told me sweet things I liked to hear, he was always so happy to do things for me, and he was a joy to be around.
Before I knew it, I was head over heels for John and I was making out with him all the time. Even on Sundays before church. Even on Wednesdays after I went and sang to Jesus and lifted my hands in the air. Every night when I was back in my room, I'd tell myself I wouldn't go see him again. I cried. I prayed. I cared about him. I wanted him to be saved. What was I going to tell my fiance? What was I doing? I was living out a verse in Romans when Paul the Apostle cried out about that struggle we all have sometimes:
For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want... I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Romans 7:19, 22-24
My mom had always pounded this into my head and I lived it in my own little way: " Don't have sex before you get married!" And so I had a big pride issue about being a "virgin." I was what they call a "technical" virgin before I got married. Of course I would never have an abortion! I wasn't going to have sex until I got married!
One day, John and I fooled around a little too much. We didn't go "all the way" technically but "just to be on the safe side" he took me to the base hospital so I could get a morning after pill.
The doctor I saw assured me that any layers of clothes (in this case being only my underwear) are good protection and the chance that I could be pregnant was slim to none. But to give me peace of mind, he'd prescribe me a morning after pill.
Maybe peace of mind for John, but it wouldn't be peace of mind for me for the next 10 years of my life.
I remember walking back to my dorm room that day holding John's hand. That was the last time I touched him. Stuff changes after something like that. He was adamant that I take that pill. He said he loved me but obviously he didn't want a baby with me, that was for sure. And, anyway, I was supposed to marry someone else. Suddenly, I understood why a girl, even why a girl with strong morals, might be tempted to have an abortion. I didn't want to be pregnant. I should not have fooled around. But lust is strong and I deceived myself into believing I could be close friends with a man who was not a Christian without any risk. I had made so many wrong choices that I was definitely not "walking in the Spirit" and I was totally, incredibly, very weak.
I was so weak that I sat on my bed, filled up a glass of water, and took those pills. I hardly remember everything I was thinking. I'm sure I was praying, asking God to forgive me, praying that I wasn't pregnant even as I took them. I actually had to take 7 pills. Back then, they gave you 7 pills instead of just one morning after pill. So with each pill, I was making the choice more solid.
Soon after that, I told my fiance about my relationship with John. I didn't tell him how close we came to "it" and I didn't tell him about the morning after pills. I broke it off with John and moved out of the dorms which made it easier to make right choices. I got closer to Jesus, started an incredibly awesome prayer meeting with my friends, married my fiancé who has now been my husband for thirteen years, and grew closer to God. I buried the morning after pill incident in the back of my mind.
And then my husband and I began to start our family and I discovered I was perhaps the most fertile person on the planet. The first month we tried to get pregnant, we got pregnant with twins, and as soon as I stopped nursing them (when they were 3 months old), I got pregnant again! Too soon, I thought. And as soon as I weaned my next baby, I got pregnant with our fourth and last child that very month.
The knowledge that I was so fertile made me think of what happened with John. Since I'm not writing a worldly romance novel, I'm trying to be evasive and still give you the drift. Suffice it to say that while I convinced myself I was "technically" a virgin, there were one very thin piece of material, and there was a minute possibility I could've been pregnant. Realizing I was a girl who so easily becomes pregnant, I couldn't help wondering... What if I killed a baby? What if I killed two babies? A touchy subject. A scary thought. Only God knows and I won't know until I get to Heaven. But I made the choice to destroy a fertilized egg if there was one which, by the bible's definition, God views as a human He "knit together" and "knew" when he/she was "made in secret."
The choice and my heart were the same whether anything happened or not. God promised a way out. I did not have to take those pills. I could have just trusted God that I was not pregnant. I could have trusted Him no matter what, but it is very hard to trust Him when you make such a huge, shameful mistake that you know beyond a doubt was outside of His will.
It ate at me and God spoke to my heart to confess it to my husband. My husband encouraged me and showed me the same grace he'd shown me so many times before. He prayed with me, and my burden was lifted. That was years ago... I'm not sure how long.
I'm free from condemnation for that terrible decision, and anyone else who's done anything similar or had an actual abortion can be, too. Perhaps you make light of this and don't think the decision was so terrible. But whether it's in the form of a pill or something that seems more lethal, abortion is abortion. The truth needs to be told, and I'm not afraid to tell it. And, more than that, I am so thankful that God is so amazingly, abundantly, more gracious, more forgiving and wonderful than any of us deserve. His word is true:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I am complete in Christ, and I am forever free from condemnation. (Phil 4:13, Col 2:10, Rom 8:1-2)
If you've made a mistake like the one I've made, you don't have to live in condemnation. Jesus promised to forgive us when we ask, and that we can also forgive ourselves.
*Names have been changed.
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