All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:16
A wise man once said, "The mark of true Christianity is not 'I'm perfect' but 'I fight." My brother died from a prescription overdose almost 11 years ago and sometimes it still seems like it can't be real. He was my best friend. I still wish I could pick up the phone to call him so we could hang out, but I can't. I have comfort, though, in that God has blessed me by giving me his poems, a way to see his heart, feel close to him, and have the hope of seeing him again someday in a place where there will be no more sin and death. My brother's poems reflect his struggle against drugs & depression. They show that even though he wasn't perfect, he fought.
FALLEN FROM MYSELF FOR DEVOTION
Well, I got out of bed, stood to my feet
So I could drop to my knees,
Asked for a dose of devotion and humbleness to seize me.
Well, I got back to my apartment 'round noon time
Fell back on my knees, elbows hit the couch cushion
Just to ask him “please.”
Oh, God, Oh my God, help me please.
I need some will power to treat my disease.
Well, I made it through the day now,
But night crawls on me like fleas.
I pray comfortably,
'Cause I'm not like the monks in the trees.
Oh, devotion has flooded me
But I can still swim in the deepest of oceans
'Cause I'm with Him.
SECOND CHANCE
Powerful as love will let you be,
Beautiful as your eyes will let you see,
You're just a person who needs God-almighty.
Some folks are scared to take a second glance.
Some folks don't understand about a second chance.
ON OR OFF THE TRAIN
He's right, pure, and true.
Our Lord Jesus died for me and you.
Two choices: hop on or off the train.
Search all over the world... it'll all be in vain.
Go ahead and take your time.
I did and nearly lost my mind.
Well today, my friend, you can decide,
On or off the train... on that cross for you He died.
ONE WAY
Jesus the Fate-Ruler
Buzzed as you think you are, leave the drugs behind.
You don't have to push rewind.
Rehab didn't save me from fire-waters grip,
Out of control and I slip.
Only one way and it's washing my soul with Christ
'Cause His blood paid the ultimate price.
WHY?
The pain I feel is nothing, but it hurts the ones who love me.
I wish I knew why I do these things that continually disgust me.
Mom, Dad, Sister, and Bro, they do everything they know.
It hurts worse than cuts to see their tears,
My future crumbles 'cause I run from my fears.
Praying for Jesus for me to be sane
Praying for the chance to use my brain.
I can't apologize enough because they're all empty,
All I can do is have them kneel and pray with me.
PUDDLE
Linger on dawn, just stay where you are,
Everything's perfect and the sun's not far.
Linger on dawn, the owls begin their hunt,
I hear a pack of javelinas starting to grunt.
Sing a song wind, and drift away the pain.
Bring a mist of consciousness to ease my weary brain.
Bring a mist of consciousness to ease my weary brain.
My heart begins to beat like a tribal drum,
It's all I can feel right now, waiting for what's begun.
No more deep thoughts for me, I just can't waste the time.
I'd rather sit and execute another wandering rhyme.
Uneasy thunder, white lightning plunder, and animals get their drink.
Embracing is the mud I lay in and the rain is all I think.
Complacent and comfortable in a puddle in my car,
Complacent and comfortable in a puddle in my car.
Everything's perfect and the sun's not far.
Linger on dawn, just stay where you are.
FOLLOWER OF MAN?
OR PLANTER OF SEEDS?
Being called a follower of man hurts when it's true.
But now I know what I've gotta do.
We can all fall into a well of despair
But I know of a ladder that's forever there.
Cleaning my backyard, rooting up all the weeds,
Taking out a couple good books that help plant seeds
Not in the soil but in the depths of my soul.
One row left untilled can be the end of my garden.
To sow is my treasure and parasites are pardoned.
Come on now, don't you know? You reap what you sow.
It's gonna take a little pain for you to grow.
Sometimes you gotta pray for what you need.
PRAYER MAIL
It's hard to breathe a sigh of relief
When drovers of memories are bringing me grief.
But just for this moment I will set them sail,
Bringing it to God via prayer mail.
I've been neglecting Him lately
when I should be on my knees.
He's my great Creator, curer of disease.
Around me all the time, His love will never cease.
Some people chase Him all their life
But they never look to their heart in their strife.
He's not some statue, not a tangible idol.
He is King of Kings, even more than that righteous title.
He's more than legend, not just a thought.
He's not just a cross around your neck your mother bought.
The Lord is my savior, that's all I know of Him now
For if it wasn't for Jesus I would be lost somehow.
God loves us all, even those who ignore Him.
My God is a race-less one--
I believe He sees a 'lil bit of all of us in His eternal son.
My God,
My God is beyond worth.
EVER WONDER
Ever wonder why things don't go your way?
I have and came up with a conclusion today.
Sometimes you gotta pray for what you need.
Sometimes you have to wait for favor to proceed.
The Man upstairs who really cares will listen to the first cry,
It may take awhile but never fear, for Jesus will reply.
Nailed on the cross so we could live,
God gave us His son, the most precious thing to give.
Two roads to be traveled, but at one end lies
A most beautiful God we cannot deny.
